Went to my Aunt's funeral for the whole day, just got back and feel so tired. In the morning when I went to the place, I was so afraid of the crying/sad scene that I actually stood outside the void deck for quite a while before walking into the void deck. During the rituals, it was so saddening, I don't know how to describe how I was feeling. Several of my relatives dropped tears. I almost did. But seeing that my 3rd Aunt's children was so brave, I held back. Tomorrow 出殡 for her... Going early in the morning 7 plus. Haiz...The one I wish beside me, not there. This funeral is so different from the one I attended of Fen's mother before. Everyone had silent tears, whereas for Fen's mum, everyone was sobbing very loudly. I guess it is due to because my aunt contracting cancer and they already knew it was gonna happen and fen's mum's was very sudden. You never know what is going to happen the next day, why bear grudges to make yourself feel bad when you could have be happy to let small things that are bothering you come to a past.
I feel baffled. Sometimes, I really don't know what the human mind is thinking. Why am I so stupid ? I don't know how to interpret what people is trying to say and look at their expressions to judge. From the past, I have always been bad in this area. I have always been a very frank person, in words and actions. Sometimes too frank, I do not know it when I offend people. Sometimes too frank, that people misunderstand my good intentions or think I'm being sarcastic. Why are some people so fake and bootlicker ? (all in general & not referring to anyone in particular)
I feel very at peace these few days, don't really feel like talking much, kept very much quiet in school on monday. No matter what happens, I will depend on myself to overcome it.
