I will think bout all the stupid things I ever done. The mistakes I made in my life. The wrong choices I've ever made. The wrong paths I took. People say life is short, but in just such a short 19 years of my life, I feel that a lot of things have happened. Often, I like to reminscence, and I let the past melodies play in my head over and over again...
Many people are afraid of being hurt, neglected, feeling lonely, often, they allow these past hurts to intefere into the future, making more mistakes. Personally, I'm afraid of the feeling of regret and pain. Who isn't afraid of pain ? This is partly the reason why I'm afraid to make choices, especially big ones, and subconsciously forget a lot of things. Besides, remembering a lot things, sometimes, isn't a good thing.
From since I being to know whats going around me, when I was a kid, I know I'm a girl who loves to doll up myself, which I still do, now, sometimes. I was a mischievous child, compared to my elder sister, who is always well-behaved, quiet and demure.
When I was in Primary One, my form teacher, Mrs Lim Tow Wah, (yes I still remember her full name) couldn't handle me. I remember her as a nice lady who was in her forties. Very motherly. I could remember when she was teaching, I could just hid behind her and drew cakes, (well, I only knew how to draw that), until she noticed I was missing. It was until she told me one day "Weiluan, now you are the monitress of the class, you must take care of the class and maintain their behaviour, so you must behave yourself too, alright ?", at that moment, I felt so proud to have a responsibility given to me. A huge one, at that time to me. I became the monitress of the class, I took care of the class when she wasn't in. It was a funny thing now, come to think of it. Haha... Once, I even "fought" with some malay boys in the class when they were not behaving. Once, my whole leg went into the drainpipe when I was chasing a guy, Tay Zhi Han. I was like a tom boy. I was a smart child. Someone, I got the first in class that year.
I went to 2/8 the best class. And I got to know my best friend, Jasmine Tan Yan Ting. During primary school, everyone had to have a partner, and my partner was Bernard. I remember him as a very sissy guy. Jasmine's partner was Ong Weiquan. I was always at loggerheads with Weiquan. I didn't like him. He had a good friend named Lu Yirun and they were always doing weird things. I started wearing spectacles that year, but I didn't like it, so when the teacher, Ms Low wasn't looking, I didn't wear it. I though it looked very ugly. I was promoted to Primary 3. I have gotten Second in standard, Weiquan got First in standard. I think it was at that time that I discovered that getting good results made my parents and tuition teacher happy. Somehow, in P3, me and I was sitting one seat in front of Weiquan again. This time, I was sitting with Hong Sheng. A guy who is violent. A guy who, finally wasn't afraid of me. I was a tigress from young. If I pinched him once, he pinched me back. The teacher changed my seat to be beside Weiquan.
During one of the changing of lessons, I was telling him "Haiz. I only got Second in standard last year. I wish I've gotten First, you are so smart."
He answered me, "I teach you lo, then we get first together ok," with his hand on my hand.
It was quite romantic, come to think of it. Hah. I think it was that moment I started falling in love with him. Or rather have a crush on him. During those days, we played with the flag rubber erasers which was sold at one for ten cents. Coming to the end of the year, he told he he was transfered to Nanyang Primary school. I think it was some gifted test he took and he gotten good results in. I was very upset. But there was nothing I could do, could I ? That year, I didn't receive any awards.
I was promoted to Primary 4. It was the streaming year. I wanted to get into the EM1 stream, but there were so many new faces in the best class this year. It was gonna be hard. All of a sudden, there were so many changes. I became complacent in whatever I do. Except for my CCA, Chinese Orchestra, which I took pride in playing the Yang Qin, then the Liu Qin. The only thing I could remember, was I almost broke Terene's spectacles. It was the puberty stage and I remember someone commenting I was getting fat. I was promoted to the best class in Primary 5 but not EM1.
Primary 5 was a year of lots of changes. I was transfered to Sembawang Primary towards half end of the year and landed in 5D the worst class of the school. I went in and got First in class. Many people thought I was a proud girl, because I was quiet. I didn't talk much. I was shy and felt very inferior probably because I was a little chubby.
Primary 6 came and I went to 6A. I excelled in my many CCAs and got First in EM2, Third in Standard, a CCA award and a scholarship. But I didn't do that well for my PSLE. I got 243-245 for my score, if I remembered correctly. English A* Chinese A Math B Science A. I worked very hard. I was disappointed. But I remembered my Dad caressing my head telling me its alright. I was so touched I wanted to cry. I felt I have disappointed many people, including my tuition teacher of 7 years. I felt sad. I called Weiquan and asked bout his results, he got around the same results as me. Somehow, I have always looked upon him as my competitor in studies. I have always written to him even after he left Dazhong, but he has never written back. I invited him to my birthday party during P6 but he told me he will come, but he didn't. I still can remember when I called him at the MRT station, he told me he wasn't coming, I felt this immense sadness in my heart. Spreading from the middle to the whole heart. That was how it felt.
During my primary school years, my family was a happy one. But something happened during one night, and it changed everything from then. One thing I regretted doing to both my sisters was.
Elder sister: There was once I took some money. When my parents realised some money was missing, they questioned both of us. We were made to kneel down in front of Guan Yin. I denied I took the money. My sister, of course said she didn't because she really didn't. My parents trusted me, I guess as a child I was spoilt by them, they somehow believed me and trust me more because I was better in studies and a well-behaved girl. They caned my sister, asking her to confess to what she has done. Telling her she has to be honest and confess to whatever she has done. I kept quiet. Until a moment, I blurted that it was I who stole the money. Up to this day, I still feel guilty and remorse for this. I apologize to my elder sister, here. I'm so sorry.
Younger sister: I left a small scar on her hand. I couldn't remember how it happened but I left a small cut on her hand using a pair of scissors. Sorry, my baobei baby.
I was really a very mischievous girl. In the early primary school years, I can remember myself holding a goldfish out for very long and testing how long they can survive without water. Experimenting if they would die without water. In the end, all the goldfish died. And me ? I hid in my cupboard, afraid my parents will scold me when they got back. In the end, I fell asleep. And they couldn't find me for very long until they approach the cupboard. I was surprised I didn't get any punishment. I guess I was a well-behaved child with a wild streak in me. A wild side which wanted to show itself.
To be continued...
