Didn't get to visit my teacher today. ) : I pray that somehow on Saturday I'll have time to... Hais. Fingers still hurt = P
Hope that I'll get work schedule for every week like this week's... Its more managable... More time for me study. Hmms.
Have been thinking. Sometimes I think I'm not able to really love anyone in that way anymore, after Quan. I'm serious. I don't know how. I don't know why. But thats definitely not because I still think of getting back with him. Somehow its just working this way. Maybe its this habit of mine, when I see this stone in front of me, I won't want to tackle it. I'll just avoid it. I don't want to trip over it and cause myself injury. I'm afraid of pain. Hehes~* Well, I thank GOD its only in this area of my life that I don't want to tackle the stone in front of me. Another reason will be because of GOD. I know its not the time for such stuff. It goes back to the previous entry I blogged. I'm a perfectionist. In love. But there's no perfect love. I don't believe in love, not those love between parents and child, siblings love. You know what kinda love I'm talking about. I don't know why. But I just don't. Contrary to that, I believe in love between me and my parents, siblings and friends a lot. Love them so much it hurts. Whenever I think of "LOVE" the word "SIAN" just comes to my mind. "I really cherish and like you", how many times have I seen these words, how many times have I read them ? But my mind just go "SIAN". Typical guys. I never believed any of these. ( : So weird right ? Everyone is looking for a partner, for love. But I don't. Everytime a guy shows interest in me, I'll just go "SIAN". But I know their interest in me will go off after a while, because I'm a big stone, but still I'm concerned about their feelings.
I'm hard to tackle. No guy can tackle me ( : Sometimes, I look at "LOVE", this four letter word and ponder, wonder what it is. What its all about. I can't figure out. Sometimes I think when you like someone, you'll want to know whats going on in their lives, your lives will be linked. Not only that, even if someone is your good friend, like for example, maybe, Fen laopo. But sometimes I think, maybe it isn't like that. Maybe its supposed to be: You love that someone but you don't have any links to that someone. You'll still know him. But then again, if you don't know someone, if ya don't understand someone, how can you love someone ? Hehes~* Contradicting, ain't it ? Sometimes, I wonder if I'm lying to myself.
Too bad. Sometimes I wonder why I'm Chloe Magdalene Chang Weiluan. But GOD made me out to be this way. I have a heart and a mind. Some people use their heart only. Some use their mind only. But me ? I use both. Thats why I always contradict myself. I'm too sensible. Yet. I'm too emotional. Occasionally, I wonder who I am really. ( : I like to be silent. About things. A lot of things. And it'll just pass away. But sometimes this silence can be so deafening that I can't stand it.
I find I like to think a lot. Which can be a good thing yet a bad thing at the same time. But how can I be sensible and "live for the moment" at the same time ? Sometimes I think. What if I die tomorrow ? Will I leave with regrets ? Hmms. Sometimes I just want to do what I want to because I don't know whats going to happen to me the next day, or even the next minute. But I hesitated.
Because I'm a child of GOD.
I know my life will be all planned by Him. My future. My everything. ( :
